I’ve had a lot of experience of toddlers and drunk people (separately), and I’ve come to realise that actually, they’re pretty much the same. Here’s why:
1. They both think they’re utterly hilarious. They can laugh at themselves for hours.
2. They both dance like nobody’s watching. Witnessing a two year old dance is one of the most joyous things in the world. Everybody should dance like they’re two years old. And/or drunk.
3. They cannot whisper. At all. Shouting becomes the normal speaking level.
4. They share a ‘mumble most of the lyrics, before belting out that one word you know really well’ singing style.
5. Walking down the street with a two year old, trying to stop him knocking on doors and falling down drains, reminds me of an identical experience I had, escorting an intoxicated friend home from the takeaway place. Except a two year old is easier to manhandle.
6. They eat stuff you wouldn’t usually dream of eating. The two year old’s insects are the intoxicated twenty year old’s kebabs.
7. They truly believe they’re invincible. That sofa/wall/fence? No problem.
8. Honesty. Want to know how you really look in that outfit? Ask a toddler or a drunk.
9. The crying. For no reason at all. Or for reasons they can’t articulate.
10. The vomit. Dear god, the vomit.
You see? Identical.
Thanks for reading. See ya again soon.