So when I became single 18 months ago, I hit the dating scene. I had my fair share of first dates – truly the good, the bad and the ugly. But one of them tops the lot for being simply AWFUL in so many ways. In fact, all the ways. Over a year has passed since this date now, so I think I’m just about over the trauma enough to write about it. If anyone has had a worse date then this, I would LOVE to hear about it. Seriously. Help me feel better about this.
Okay, so we met on a dating site (I know, I know, but how else is a girl supposed to find dates these days?) and we chatted for a while. All was fine – he seemed pleasant enough and when he asked me on a date I agreed. Deep in the grips of my “feel the fear and do it anyway” mindset, when he suggested indoor skydiving as the date activity, I still didn’t back out.
It’s at this point I should probably mention that he only had one photo on his dating profile. In which he was wearing face paint. Had a been further into my dating ‘career’ this would have flashed up major warning signs – but at this point I was still blissfully naive. Anyway, I arrived at our meeting place before he did so I saw him as soon as he walked through the door. And he looked NOTHING like his photo (and not just because he wasn’t wearing face paint). Now I’m not shallow, and I’m not a pretty-boy fan girl, but there has to be at least a pinch of physical attraction, and in this case there was nothing. Zero. Nada. I genuinely considered turning around and walking away (a thought I’m not proud of, but which in hindsight, would have been an excellent idea…) but he had already clocked me. Bollocks. He then proceeded to KISS ME ON THE LIPS and give me a big bear hug by way of a greeting.
Anyhoo. Saliva discreetly wiped from my face, we headed off to get kitted out for the skydiving. And to be honest, for a while I actually forgot I was on a date. I was nervous/excited about getting into the wind tunnel, and trying to forget the fact that I am extremely uncoordinated. So it got to my turn, and OH MY GOD IT WAS SO MUCH FUN. Much less scary than I had imagined, and while it was a bit difficult to get my body to make the required shape, it was really exhilarating. Best of all, it’s bloody noisy in that wind tunnel so I didn’t have to try and make conversation with my date, other than the occasional thumbs up. Now it gets to my second turn in the wind tunnel, and buoyed by my success the first time round, I took a decent spin high up into the tunnel, and the instructor starts guiding me down. Now, to this day I still don’t know exactly what happened next (although a bruise near my elbow gives a small clue), but the next thing I know, the instructor is pushing me to the floor, swearing at me (he had quite the potty mouth on him…) and running out of the room with blood pouring from his face (turns out he had quite the bloody mouth on him too…). I had only gone and knocked his front tooth out. Like, clean out. The horror. I was totally disorientated and horrified in equal measure. Shaking like a leaf too. Date guy tried to comfort me with another bear hug, but I managed to wriggle out of it and find a kindly old couple for smiles and sympathy. That’s right – an old couple; who had succeeded where I had failed and managed to negotiate the wind tunnel without mutilating anyone.
After this nightmare-ish turn of events I still had to survive a dinner with this guy (date guy not instructor guy – now that would have been awkward), who got all deep and meaningful told me all about his past dependence on alcohol… I mean, no offence but you couldn’t make this shit up. To be fair to him, he was a gentleman and drove me home after the meal, before lunging in for his second attempt at a kiss. He had obviously been on a completely different date to me as he then asked me out on a second date. I politely declined of course. Ha, like hell I did. I’m far too British and replied with a “sure, that’ll be lovely”, all the while mentally planning the let-down text I would send the next morning.
So there we have it. My worst ever date, and surely a contender for the worst date in history. Although I would be more than happy to be challenged for that crown. So go ahead, give it your best shot…
P.S. Instructor dude – if you’re reading this, I’m REALLY sorry and I hope you managed to get your tooth glued back in…
P.P.S. Date guy (Christ, I can’t even remember your name…) if you’re reading this, I hope the experience didn’t scar you too much and that you’ve managed to find your girl.