1. Having wedding photos on your profile. Your wedding photos. Are you single? Are you not? I’m no prude (unless my parents are reading this, in which case I totally am) but if you’re looking for a threesome, surely there are sites for that. And if you’re not, what on earth are you thinking? That you look good in a suit? That you’re showing you aren’t afraid of commitment? Just no.
2. Having a photo of your kid as your profile picture. However cute they are, I don’t want to date a toddler, thanks. Having a picture of you with your kid is only slightly less weird. Why would you use your kid to pimp yourself out? Totes inappropriate. (NOTE: no issue with guys actually having kids).
3. Group pictures. Are you hoping we’ll assume you’re the really fit one? We won’t. We’ll assume you’re the least attractive of the bunch, and whether you are or not – you lose.
4. Having a photo of you posing proudly next to a sedated tiger. Think it makes you look manly and hunter-gathery? ‘Fraid not. You just look like a guy standing next to a tiger which has been sedated for the sake of a photo opportunity. Nice one.
5. Skiing/snowboarding photos. Yawn.
6. Pictures of you with a really hot girl. I don’t care if she’s your sister/friend/whatever. Nobody wants to compete with that.
7. The self-pitying headline. “Will you be the girl who actually replies to my messages?”, “Sick of all the cheaters and game players”. Look, I’m sorry you’re not having the best experience, but maybe try to hide the bitterness until you’ve actually managed to bag a date. There’s plenty of time for all that.
8. No, I don’t want to see your penis. I don’t care how big it is. Or whether you can do that with it.
9. The multiple messages of increasing desperation/anger/insults. Calling a girl an “ugly rude bitch” because she hasn’t replied within half an hour, isn’t going to win you any friends and will also mean that you end up on one of those dating-fail Instagram pages.
10. Suggesting indoor skydiving as a first date.