I intend for you to read this when you’re 18, so if all has gone to plan (and you haven’t internet stalked me and read this years ago) it is now <quick bit of counting on fingers…> 2030 and you’re a strapping young man with the world at his feet. I bet you’re taller than me. You are aren’t you? And oh god, I’m 45. 45! I don’t look it though, do I? Okay, sorry, enough about me. I thought now was a good time to give you some advice about girls. I know it might be a bit cringe to hear this stuff from your mum, but believe it or not, I was a girl once so I know what I’m talking about. Oh and if boys are what you’re into, I’m not sure I’ve actually figured them out myself, so you might need to ask someone else. Maybe we can share tips. Too weird? Right, here goes.
Females are strong, feisty, vulnerable, fragile creatures. Treat them with the respect and care they deserve.
Gentlemanly values never go out of fashion. Open car doors for her, hold her hand, don’t check out other girls in front of her. Simple stuff, basic stuff. It’s the little things that matter.
Don’t call her ‘hun’. Eugh.
For one week a month (two if you’re really unlucky) you’ll need to don your tin hat. PMT is a real bitch. But remember it’s worse for her than for you. Be patient, be kind, but don’t let her use it as an excuse to be a total cow to you for no reason.
Her bum never looks big in that. Unless she wants her bum to look big, in which case it does.
Never use her expensive shampoo or face creams.
If a girl falls in love with you, her heart will be in your hands. Don’t abuse that power – it’s a privilege. Use it to build her up, support her and nurture her. It will be one of the most valuable things you do with your life.
If you ever get married it is important to remember that a marriage is about the both of you; being equal partners, and sharing your life together. But the wedding day is all about her. It’s her day. And you’ll be wise to remember that. Also, you sure as hell better cry at her breathtaking radiance and beauty when she walks down the aisle, otherwise you’ll be hearing about it for the rest of your life.
Be kind. Always. There’s nothing more important.
Write letters. Long love letters and sweet little notes hidden somewhere for her to find. Using an actual pen and paper.
No means no. No ifs, buts or maybes. Just no.
If you ask a girl what’s wrong and she says she’s “fine” – she’s not fine. Proceed with caution. And chocolate.
It’s more important to spoil her with love and affection than with material things. Although material things also work.
But most importantly – remember your worth too. Find a girl – or boy – who treats you well. Who loves you, respects you, nurtures and supports you. Compromise is an important part of any relationship and there will always be small things that you need to compromise on, but make sure you figure out what’s really important to you and never compromise on those things. Never settle for second best, and never change who you are.
P.S. Never take a girl skydiving on a date.