*Two steps in* This isn’t going to go well. My legs hurt already. Okay, just run through the pain. One kilometer at a time.
I bet all these drivers are looking at me aren’t they? Why do I insist on wearing bright colours when I run? I’d better try and look like I know what I’m doing.
I need a wee.
Shit. A dog. Please, please control your dog. Phew, made it past the dog. Is it following me now? It’s following me isn’t it. This is how I’m going to die. I wonder if that would make the news. Local paper at least, surely?
This is the longest kilometer in history. Strava must be broken.
Ooh I’m getting a good tan. On my forearms at least. I wish I could run naked.
GET OUT OF MY EYE FLY.
And now my mascara is running. Whose bright idea was it to wear makeup on a run? Who am I kidding – leave the house without makeup? No chance. Although maybe I’ll leave out the mascara next time. I could just wear waterproof stuff. But that makes my eyes itch. Why is that? I need to find a new mascara. If I ever get married one day I’ll need a decent waterproof mascara.
Ooh, another kilometer done.
I didn’t even know that part of my leg existed, let alone that it could experience pain. What even is that?
Have I built up enough of a glow to take a decent post-run selfie yet? I really like that new Instagram filter. I’m going to use it on everything now. Although it’s getting pretty exhausting to constantly view life in Instagram photo opportunities. Maybe I should give up social media for a while.
Hahahahahaha who am I kidding? How else would I validate my existence? Just kidding. Obvs. But seriously, I’m totally not giving up social media.
Ooh, this would make a good blog post.
Can I stop now?
Great, there’s another runner. Now I’ve got to find the energy to nod my head and smile. Better stop looking like I’m about to die and speed up a bit too. How do they look so good?! They must have just started their run. Oh good, they’ve gone, now I can resume dying.
I wonder what I look like when I run. Ooh look, my shadow – I’ll just watch that. Ouch. Who put that rock there? Maybe I should look where I’m going.
What’s the etiquette if you wet yourself mid-run? Nobody could blame me, surely? I’ve had a kid and everything.
Oh look, a canal boat. Should I wave? Would I look rude for not waving? Let’s look at them to see if they’re waving. Great, now I’ve made eye contact and it’s totally awkward. They’re not waving. They’re looking at my bright red face aren’t they? And now they’re over-taking me. I’m being over taken by a CANAL BOAT. FML. Now I’ve got no choice but to run faster. Thanks for that, you bastards.
If you live on a canal boat wouldn’t you be scared about someone breaking in while you’re sleeping? They don’t look very secure…
I don’t think my legs are built for running.
Oh hi pedestrians. Yes I’m heading straight for you, so you should perhaps move out of the way. No, I’m not going to move – it’ll totally ruin my rhythm. Move. Move now. You’re not moving. I’ll run round you then shall I?
Now my music has stopped and I can hear my breathing. Am I grunting? FIT.
5K! I did it! That was so easy. I’m totally going to run a marathon one day.