My last post opened with the fact that although I had won one race in my time, it certainly didn’t happen on the regular.
And then I won another race. Oops.
I mean, not that it was an accident. I wanted to win. I tried to win. I would have been disappointed if I hadn’t won.
This feels uncomfortable to write though, and I’m not sure why. Maybe I’m worried that people will think I’m boasting. That people who know the race know that it’s a small field. That most other runners were off running marathons that day. That it was only a 5k. That half the runners I know could have beaten me had they entered. That it’s a race that promotes inclusivity and everyone taking part, so winning shouldn’t be important.
There’s a blog post in the making about the female competitive spirit so I won’t dwell on it too much here, but as a female I do feel – in certain situations – uncomfortable about being vocally competitive and I think this is playing its part here.
If I can touch on the actual race for a moment here – I’m definitely proud of how I ran it and I’m not ashamed to say that at all. I had a strategy courtesy of a wise owl and I stuck to it. I started steady, I gritted my teeth and I finished strong. The course was unfortunately about 100m short, so although my official time shows a stonking 40 second PB (!) of 23.05 chip time, an accurate finish time would probably have been slightly less impressive although I reckon still a PB.
So yes, I’m proud of how I ran. I ran sensibly and competitively, chasing down the girl in front of me (who was LOVELY by the way) and my training definitely seems to be paying off.
But why can’t I be proud of that podium spot? Every time I mention it I caveat it with “but it was a small field” so everyone knows that I’m not actually the kind of runner who wins races. Probably because I know that my time isn’t one that usually wins races. I don’t feel that that time deserves to win races. 20 min 5k runners, now that’s where it’s at. I’m not saying it’s a bad time – it’s one I’m proud of, but I can’t reconcile that with it being a winning time.
So that’s where I’m at. Feeling a bit meh with a hint of pride trying to bash its way in.
Any thoughts or pop psychology analysis welcome.
Advertisements
Firstly this is my second A-MAAZ-ING comment of the day – congratulations!! Incredible time, absolutely well deserved of a podium finish. Secondly thank you for being a woman who’s proud of their achievements! We can’t change the fact that some people still find that uncomfortable until more of us shout from the rooftops about how incredible we are 💪🏻😊
LikeLike
Oh that means a huge amount, thank you! I still feel uncomfortable about it myself, but there’s no legitimate reason for it. Girls celebrating other girls also helps too!
LikeLiked by 1 person